What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 05:31
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I was seconnd youngest,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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What did i know ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When she asked me how she looked .
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I said to her
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!